Experiment Three.

My lab was a kaleidoscope of multicolored lights and smoke signals. A closer inspection revealing my stick thin figure scrambling to and fro amongst the confines of my countless metal machines, built like a maze side by side with just bare enough room for me to slither my way through from one (failed) experiment to the next.

I was currently trying to multitask a handful of activities that were starting to spontaneously catch fire when the landline phone began to ring somewhere in the depths of my lab. My ears perking up at the sound and I’m leaving my experimental nose trimmer to continue tearing out large chunks of grey matter from out the now unwilling test subject’s nasal cavities as I wander around on a haphazard path towards the phone.

As the ringing becomes louder, I’m becoming more and more sure that I was actually going in the correct direction which was surprising considering my rather horrendous sense of direction. As it’s always been since I ripped out my internal compass to use in an experiment that actually succeeded in augmenting the migration patterns of penguins.

I’m twisting around a corner and finding the phone standing high upon a pedestal covered in rice crispy entrails and Cheetos. Seeing as during my arduous journey the phone had been ringing for more than twenty minutes I made it a priority to throw myself across the small clearing towards the phone and landing mere inches shy from it, quickly pouncing to my feet, pretending nothing had happened and casually flipped the phone up and to my ear.

“Amadeus’ funeral home, you stab ‘em, we slab ‘em.” A slight chuckle emanated from myself at that rather witty introduction which soon committed suicide in my throat as I then heard who it was on the other line.

“Hello son, I see you’re still basking in the childish roots of your adolescent fantasies.” Her voice rang hollow from across the line and I couldn’t help but feel my heart grab a pair of scissors and cut itself free in a desperate attempt to flee. “Mother, how nice to hear from you! How have things been?” I reply in an unbelievably gleeful tone.

A sigh emanates from the receiver, “Well considering I’m only just starting to walk again after being so viciously assaulted by those hybrid gerbil cozies a few months back I must say every day’s been a miracle.” Her words held an undertone of anger that made it inherently obvious that she had not gotten over the accidental happening and was probably still manifesting a plot of vengeance to get back at me in some twisted fucked up way.

“So why the ring?” I ask with a plastered smile and I could almost hear her face split open in a sick self-serving smile all her own. “Why thank you for reminding me, as you probably know it’s about a week until the local school’s close for the summer.” She begins with a falsetto tone and I’m slowly putting two and two together into some kind of mega two of pain and wallowing torment.

“And well, me and your sister have decided it’d be wonderful if you could take care of Elenoir for the summer.” My jaw drops to the floor with a clang and I’m sputtering for an excuse that could possibly cleanse me of the disastrous situation my mother was putting me in.

“I can’t possibly do that mother! I’m… I’m still trying to grow up myself! I’d be a horrible influence I promise you, I still eat pizza for breakfast!” My ramblings go on unheeded and my mother just chuckles. 

“Elenoir is actually quite the young lady. She’s wanted to see you ever since you ran away from home with her college funds. The least you can do is be the proper Uncle and be there for her.”

I’m furrowing my brow in contempt of the persistence this woman has. “You do know that I’ve been trying to estrange myself from the family ever since you gave this exact speech to your brother and his translation of being the proper Uncle included sexually abusing me with a car battery.”

A dry laugh punctuates her silence, “Well he’s always been a tad eccentric, but I’m pretty sure should you try anything on that level with Elenoir she’d break you, so try and just be a proper Uncle with better morals than you’re Uncle Gacy. I’m so glad you could do this; she’ll be there the day after school lets out. Kisses.”

I’m left standing there with the phone beeping to be hung up, my mind a mental flurry of anger, beef burritos, and the random thought of changing my number. Instead I slam the phone down and stomp away, trying to figure out how I’m supposed to prepare for the arrival of a niece I’d much rather sink in acid than take care of for an entire summer.