Experiment Sixteen.

Elenoir and I stared down upon the deformed lump of congealed blood and body parts. A tad bit of trial and error did little to make it look any better than it could have, and my accidental decapitation made this tender fact more so.

I run a bloodied hand through wiry hair, "So what do we do now? Eat it?" And a brutal slap to the cheek made it abhorrently clear that my query was notoriously void. "I would suggest ripping your dick off and making damned sure something like this never has a chance to happen again," She responds violently, "But unfortunately I refuse to get that close again."

A stifled sigh of relief whistles precariously through my lips as those words worm their way into my ear canals and massage my eardrums with their reassuring kisses. And as I can let a small iota of calm embrace my posture once more, I lean over and grab the closest instrument to my right; which just so happened to be a shovel.

A quick scoop and an even quicker plop and the frail demon carcass was tossed into the bowels of a smoldering hot furnace, the vicious sizzle and pop of soon cooking meat met our ears with a devilish ease, sending small pangs of pleasure through the nerve endings of my spine, making me squirm in place in a stunted jig of excitement and hilarity. 

"Okay, now what the fuck is wrong with you?" Elenoir mutters through darkened eyes, the most eloquent scowl twisting her features in the most diabolical way. A bark of laughter was my audible response, the twirl of my lips leading me into an all too rare smile and I pat her roughly on the head.

"Well obviously we just performed on of the single most blasphemous acts known to society today! Oooooh if the world new that'd be turning their heads away in such an utter display of disgust! God damn how that makes me giddy! Let's go get some Taco Bell."

I start to turn but I feel clawed fingers snap into place around my wrist, sending the coldest chill up my spine and corrupting the euphoric joyish feeling and replacing it with the realization of impending doom. And it was all I could do but twist my neck upon it's axis to see the hellish glare that awaited me.

"Oh you aren't going anywhere..." her curled lips seethed with a venom that burned with excess. Her grip tightens and a merciful squeak escapes my whimpering skull cave. The hate within her stare centered upon me and the growl that started spilling from her throat did little to ease my worries as one second we held this precarious position, and the next she was hurling herself at my face, nails unsheathed and teenage fangs bared...

Experiment Fifteen.

Nine months.

Nine fucking months I've spent locked away deep within the cavernous laboratory that lay hidden beneath the daily guise of a common house front property. Every aching moment viciously instilled upon the creation of some non practical way to remove the cancerous growth that festered within my niece's stomach.

I've attempted all that I could possibly think of that would use unquantifiable amounts of time and energy and to my dismay, Elenoir's demonic maggot grew stronger until the wire hanger became less of an immediate contingency plan and more of an overused joke oft seen within the bowels of the internet.

My failure seemed certain. My fate more so. And I could feel the pit devouring my intestines finish it's meal and skip happily on it's way as my bloodshot eyes roll precariously into the back of my head.

A pained gasp from close by sends my tattered mind reeling back into reality with a snap, spinning my dilated pupils back to the forefront of my mind with a merciful dose of dehydration and vertigo, both eager to remind me that I was unfortunately still alive and damned.

A single hand running through wiry hair as it's kin slips my goggles back over my eyes, I'm whirling around in an fervent tailspin, fearing the wrath of a beast worse than anything hell could cough up, only to lay sight upon  a mere child, face etched with the signs of obvious pain caused by the demon currently using her ovaries as a guestroom.

Against my bitter will, I felt my features soften and a single word coo worried from chapped lips, "Elenoir..." I started but the river of blood that trailed from between her bare thighs and off into the darkness behind her gave clear sign something was wrong.

She gave a weak smirk, a jagged gash across the pale flesh that encompassed her horrifically adorable face. "I got tired of waiting for you." She chuckled softly, the feverish lacings to her words giving clear cause for me to rush forward as she aptly slumps forward into my gloved hands.

A deep breath and a crick of the neck and I quickly accepted the maternal instinct that pervaded my skull and set off to do the one thing I thought I'd never have to do.

Rushing to the nearest operating table, I threw her down upon it's metallic surface without much warrant towards her current state, which would explain her snarl of pain as her skull cracked against the headrest, her hands already veering towards my throat for another bout of asphyxiation but the fact that she was literally in the aftermath of her failed self-abortion she found herself in the throes of another set of spasms.

Granting me just enough time to yank apart her legs, revealing the intimates one were better off keeping to themselves. Even drenched in blood they still held the attractive beauty one would find in all the world. Like when you go to the beach in mid august and find a dead squid washed ashore.

"What the fuck are you doing!?" Elenoir's voice shatters my enamoured concentration and allows me enough time to shake the stars from my eyes and set my prick to neutral. "Well obviously you want this thing out of you, and whilst I would have preferred a much less invasive way of going about it... I'm going to have to wrench the little slug from out the only opening available!"

We found each other staring at another for a long moment. "Have you ever been fisted before?" I ask in a vain attempt at breaking the deadly ice that was building up a quick defense against me. Her eyes widen, "Fisted?!?! I'm only thirteen!" She shouts and I raise an eyebrow, "I thought you were twelve?" I respond and she kicks me upside the head, "My birthday was three months ago! I was completely forgotten! My only present was morning sickness!"

I sigh, "Well I apologize that I forgot another birthday, I'll buy you a pony or something with chainsaws attached to it later, for now, I introduce you to one of my favourite forms of sodomy!" And with a devilish smile I pull back my arm, take careful aim, and thrust my fist full force into her depths.

Elenoir's scream corresponding popped both my eardrums and I quickly realized something was rather off about the situation at hand. In which she cleared up my apparent confusion by gasping, "Wrong hole..."

Experiment Fourteen.

My lab was deathly quiet except for the strangled sounds of deep concentration. Zooming in upon the cause of the unearthly noise, it would reveal me, hard at work with my chemistry set, Elenoir sitting silently behind me, a look of pure concern upon her face as it was cast down towards her lap. My steady fingers were twisting caps and stirring vials, heating beakers and tapping buttons.

I remained deeply entrenched within these actions for a long while. Seconds stretching into painstaking minutes with Elenoir still silent yet somehow obnoxiously apparent behind me. Sweat beading down my brow as my eyes finally scrolled down the page of test results spewed from the bowels of a machine far too large to simply print such a small amount of paper. And you’d be correct; it’s oversized because it also produces a rather delectable mocha latte. But only on the third Friday of every fifth week and only if that day is an even number on an odd numbered month.

A small scowl slips across thin lips. My eyes growing dark and I took a breath and swung around. “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news. You’re pregnant.” The last three words barely left my mouth before Elenoir’s eyes swelled up with tears. “I can’t be pregnant… I just can’t.” She sobs gently and I bow my head, carefully walking up beside her, then slapping her on the back with a toothy smile.

“Nope, you are totally prego! Congrats on conceiving another pathetic human worm baby, I hope it grows up, gets a job, then spends its earnings on powerful weapons in which to eviscerate the human race with!” I glance down and see Elenoir shaking incessantly before me. “Umm… Elenoir?” I query nervously, afraid I had broken her and place a comforting hand upon her shoulder.

“I’m… sure it’ll be… fine… and stuff…” the words came alien out of my mouth, leaving a horridly sour taste in its wake, causing me to have to struggle just to not gag. Suddenly my attention was brought back to Elenoir, who for some strange reason, had begun to start growling something I quite couldn’t hear.

“Pardon?” I asked carefully and suddenly I was on the floor, two tiny hands gripping my face, Elenoir’s thumbs placed firmly upon the eyes of my goggles, pushing in and I could hear the glass strain beneath its force.

“Fix me!” She screams, pressing harder. “Remove this thing from inside me or I will shove your eyes out the back of your skull!” Her voice dripped with an uncensored venom, melting deep into the darkest chasms of my mind. “But I can’t! That practice is taboo! TABOO!” I scream back at her, my voice a lot shriller than it should have been.

Her thumbs pressed harder and I watch as an audible crack sends a long line splitting down the middle of my right lens, promising the application of any more pressure to result in incredibly mortal predicament. Quickly I was changing my words, to please her and answer her wishes. “Okay okay okay I’ll get it out of you. Whatever it takes just don’t kill me I haven’t seen The Dark Night Rises yet.”

Slowly I felt the pressure lift from my goggles, ensuring that she was indeed removing them from their previously positions and sparing me from unbearable pain and agony. I take a few deep breaths before lastly breathing out the disclaimer.

“I can make no promises though.” I gasp and before I knew it Elenoir stabbed her thumbs back into my goggles, shattering the glass and sending the shards straight into my eye sockets. Like a thousand needles being simultaneously shoved into my retinas, it was all I could do but scream.

Experiment Thirteen.

After a few days of deep thought and research, experimentation, and unquantifiable amounts of tacos, I lastly figured out how to dispose of the niece I never wanted. My final trial run proceeded as smoothly as the previous had, with the specimen reacting exactly as it should when affected by the serum I amusingly enough called ‘Formula 69’.

The plan shall go as follows, using a special gas pellet I crafted myself, I shall shoot Elenoir in the face, therefore unleashing countless weeks of pent up aggression as well as inflicting what I call, euphoria over the little heathen. Henceforth, if everything goes as well as the experiments have, she will aptly fall into lust with the first thing she sees, which with careful planning shall be nothing else than a gecko that I had personally fused with a fifteen megaton bomb.

As soon as she falls head of heels for the beastie, I will set it loose from the house and watch the resulting fireworks as Elenoir tries to hug the thing as the bombs timer hits zero. I can therefore claim no responsibility for her unfortunate demise, instead allowing me to place the blame on spontaneous reptilian combustion.

The plan was genius. I was a genius. I felt almost giddy with excitement as I gathered the gas pellets, paintball gun, and sickly looking lizard before making my way up the stairs that led out of my lab. Peeking my head out into the hallway to make sure Elenoir wasn’t anywhere within the immediate facility before tip toeing out from the darkness and placing the lizard on the floor.

“Stay… Stay.” I whisper to the reptile, the creature making no acknowledgement of my demand beyond that of licking his left eye occasionally, which I took as an assurance that it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I therefore load a single pellet into the paintball gun, toggling the pressure gauge with a flip of my finger and hearing that immediate slurp of air as it’s released from its confined cage.

It was now time to go child hunting.

Quickly taking a series of careful steps I placed myself tenderly around the corner of the living room archway, out of sight of the silent Elenoir that naturally as ever sat comfortably upon the couch with occult book in hand. I slid the muzzle of the gun around the corner, peeking a single goggled eye to take careful aim. Then take the shot.

A small spurt of air sends the pellet soaring through the air, a blur of pink speeding directly at the tiny Elenoir, my eyes widening as I prepare to rush back and grab my gecko bomb, when my supposedly perfect shot slipped by Elenoir’s cheek by a mere inch, catching her attention, but instead shattering the glass sculpture of Orson Wells that sat on the shelf behind her.

Her eyes immediately tore a hole through me, as I stood half posed to run, gun in hand. She put two and two together as fast as a supercomputer, and within an instant she was on her feet, fists raised, and charging at me. “You bastard!” She screamed in an almost inhuman rage.

I staggered for a moment before taking off down the hall, struggling to figure out how my perfect aim had betrayed me at such a critical time, mind you it was the first time I ever fired a gun in real life, but countless years of Halo had made me so certain I had an aim that could fend off armies! I struggled to reload another pellet into the gun whilst simultaneously trying to outrun the demon I unintentionally unleashed in the other room.

Considering my hand/eye coordination was incredible, my ability to run while reloading was contrastingly lacking, and to my horror I found a wall jump in front of me to impede my progress before its undeniable stopping power. The gun went into my stomach, knocking the air from my lungs, followed by the rest of my body, crushing the pocketful of gas pellets held within my front pocket and filling the room with a pink haze of gas.

A soon as my ass hit the ground I breathed in two lungs full of the substance as I unconsciously inhaled. My mind instantly going sporadic as Elenoir then entered my vision, unknowingly breathing in the substance herself. It was at this moment that her angry eyes turned towards me, and I noticed them soften. My mind froze as a single thought ran through it like a silver sword. Oh fuck.

The next I knew I was sitting up in a panic, glancing all around me while an incoherent stream of half formed words spilled from my mouth, but it all came back to one overwhelming question. “Where the fuck are my goggles!” I scream frantically.

“I think you have more important thing to be worried about.” Elenoir replies quietly next to me and I rapidly glance over to see her tucked beneath the covers that blanketed me as well. It was at this moment that I noticed her bare shoulders, her tangled hair, my shirtless torso, and with a twist of the arm I tore the blanket from atop us to reveal our bodies and their lack of clothes, my partial erection, and the gecko staring blankly up at me.

Experiment Twelve.

I awoke in a room split by black and white. A glance to the left revealed soft white clouds, golden harps, halos and stairways as a glance to the right revealed pools of lava, blackened spires, horns and highways. I quickly ascertained that I had simply taken a wrong turn in purgatory and have somehow found myself in the room of judgment.

Before I could turn to leave my eyes came upon God descending from the ceiling whilst Lucifer contrasting ascended from the floor. Immediately I rolled my eyes, finding the theatrics incredibly cliché and heavily stapled upon Christian lore.

“My son. I see that your time has come and it is now time for your future in the afterlife to be determined.” God speaks in a bellowing tone, immediately causing me to wince and cover my ears, a spike of anger flaring within my skull. “Hey asshole! Take it down a notch will you? I would prefer my godforsaken senses remain intact so I can properly figure out how to mechanize an escape from this damned place.”

God furrowed his brow in thought, Lucifer slithering up beside me and throwing his arm around my shoulder. “Hell yeah motherfucker! Easy to see this kid’s with me.” He cackles with a gleam in his crimson eyes.

I promptly flick his arm from my shoulders, sighing with annoyance as I then turn my attention towards him. “I am not with you either jackass, touch me again and I will rip your arm off and fist you with it.” His face went slack with surprise. My words obviously stabbing a nerve somewhere inside his rather lacking body.

I turn back to God. “Now is there any way I could somehow get this surprisingly existent soul sent back to its body back on Earth?” My words remove God from his deep thought and he slowly nods. “There is, but are you sure you want to return now that you’ve seen the promised land?” He asks, gesturing towards the cookie cutter hallmark image behind him. I blink then look back at him. “I am doubly sure. Earth would be far more enjoyable to conquer.”

God sighs and responds, “Very well…” and prods my forehead with a powerful force, sending me hurtling backwards until I sit up back in the land of the living, throwing my hands into the air and shouting “Haha I live!” Triumphantly. Unfortunately for me Elenoir had been poking my previously decomposing body with a stick and let out a shrill scream before proceeding to beat me back to death with the stick.

Within minutes I found myself back in the room of judgment where both God and Lucifer were thumb wrestling the other. “And so he returns.” God sighs with an almost bored expression on his face. “I need to go back.” I immediately tell him, Lucifer prancing up and taking his place beside the one supposed ‘lord’.

“Are you sure you want to return now that you’ve seen the promised land?” He asks, gesturing more persistently towards the realm behind him. I look him in the eyes. “Fuck you, send me back.” A flare of annoyance sparks behind his eyes and he briefly glances at Lucifer who aptly replies, “Hey I don’t want him.” Before cracking his knuckles and proceeding to punch my in the face.

I felt my soul fly through time and space, landing in a crumpled heap inside my earthly body. Elenoir already coming at me with a bloody stick. “Wait!” I scream in horror as she began to ready a bone shattering swing.

She hesitates a moment, fear within those green eyes of hers as I drag my broken body heavily to its feet, snatching the branch from her with my only working arm and began limping off, muttering a slur of words beneath my breath as I went to stitch up my wounds and bathe in whiskey.

“I thought you were dead!” Elenoir calls behind me. “I was. Now I’m not.” I shout back yet only silence emanated in the air around me for a long moment. “…Do I still get my inheritance?” 

Experiment Eleven.

Now considering my talent for figuring out genius solutions towards bullshit situations, I should have easily tossed aside all fear and faced the problem head on, looking those carnivorous man made monstrosities in the eye and using my quick wit deal with the threat accordingly.

Instead I turned tail and ran screaming in the opposite direction, cowering behind the slender Elenoir in a vain attempt to elude the horrific creatures. Though considering that I was hiding myself behind another potential victim, nay, the appointed victim in this whole fiasco, I only played an even shorter stick than before.

Not to mention cuing Elenoir to sigh and look at me with an exasperated look pasted upon her little face. “Really?” she grumbled and began walking towards the kitchen, leaving me to face the creatures alone. “What are you doing?!?!” I cry out and she waves a nonchalant hand backs towards me, middle finger held high. “All this talk of cannibalism has made me hungry; I’m going to make a sandwich. You have fun now.”

I watched her leave in bewildered shock before glancing back at the encroaching beasties. One snapped her teeth threatening as another let out a feral howl. The hairs on the back of my neck rose within the throes of the blood curdling noise’s crescendo, and I felt the blood drain from my face. Before…

Well… I created the bastards! Ahem, bitches. Henceforth, I shouldn’t become just another notch in the  ‘man made monster kills creator’ statistics. So without further ado, I fell back from the advancing zombie cannibals, twisting on my heel until my peripheral vision was aimed opposite them and I thus proceeded forward at a quick speed to reach my lab.

Another bone twisting howl sounds behind me and I immediately heard the scramble of bodies hastening towards me, their muscles, which should have been succumbing to the first few signs of rigor mortis,  moved fluid and agile, allowing them to quickly catch up to me.

And even as they bit and grabbed at the tail of my lab coat, threatening my very well being,  I couldn’t help but feel proud of what I created, cherishing those brief iotas when they failed to lop a limb off with an almost… fatherly love. I created these amazing accomplishments of vascular science. If I didn’t have to kill them I would have loved to have been like my father and molest them.

Instead I had to show tough love and dive through the doorway leading deep into the realm of science! The howling monsters scattering close behind, I land in a heap at the bottom of the stairs that for the love of god I keep forgetting were there and I had to quickly heave my battered body to its feet and scramble towards my destination.

The incinerflamer! A device that broils whoever is inside in within a wave of flames that reach a higher temperature than that of the majestic sun!... also it has a side effect of causing sexual confusion in the minds of those who miraculously survive the flames. While I hold no grudge against those who find love within those of the same gender, learning about that side effect was incredibly unsettling. I will never look at mashed potatoes the same way again…

Anywho, I proceeded to once more send myself flying through the air as the cannibalistic humanoids lastly closed the incredibly close gap between us, a single ravenous maw taking a chunk out of my shoulder as I hurtle passed it and slam my passing fist upon the ‘ignite’ button. The doors immediately slam shut and the zombies inside are instantly enveloped in a maelstrom of flames that quickly licked away the flesh from their bones before melting the bones away in a sea of ashes.

But as I stood back to my feet and glanced in the window that had been bolted into place to allow accessible sight into the chamber as it was lit, I watched as in their final moments the group of zombified schoolgirls began tearing off each other’s clothes and committing such morbidly arousing acts of grotesquely violent sodomy.

“Genius! I have somehow created a legion of Lesbian Zombie Schoolgirls!” I scream in triumph, immediately whipping a notebook from out of my pocket and scribbling down a swath of unintelligible notes within its dreaded confines. “Isn’t that the name of a porno or something?” Elenoir queries behind me, my head twisting violently around to catch her standing there, gut wrenchingly cute with a sandwich held fast in her tiny grip.

My eyes were tightly trained upon the sandwich in her hand. “Is that… the last of the pastrami?” I whisper quietly and she answers by taking a large bite out of her lunch. “Naturally.” She replies between chews. My eyes widen and I thrust a pointed finger upon her adorable little frame. “I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!” I scream, Elenoir taking a moment to look over me, eyes lingering upon the gaping hole in my shoulder. “Yeah… Sure.” She replies and aptly turns to leave.

“You DARE treat me with Such INDIGNITIES??? Why I Should…” I quickly trailed off as the blood loss finally got the better of me and I crumple unconscious to the floor.

Experiment Ten.

I strode into the room wearing the largest triumphant grin I’ve had in a long time. The occasional giddy giggle escaping from my toothy grin every now and then as I sat myself down next to the uncaring Elenoir, still enraptured by the book that sat eloquently upon her lap. I sat there for a long moment, attempting to gain her attention with the occasional scoot closer or obnoxious clearing of the throat.

This was kept up for a long series of minutes, and after a long hour of absolutely no response from her in any way shape or form, I grew impatient, and with a quick glance at the still ignorant little heathen, I repositioned myself even closer, then aptly kicked for off the couch and onto the floor in a heap.

Only now did she lastly take notice of my empowering yet intimidating presence, her green eyes aflame with an undeserved anger, and she slowly crawled to her feet and brushed herself off, checking tentatively over the book for any apparent damage. “And what was that for?” She queried antagonistically towards me.

I jumped to my feet and thrust my hand into the air, index finger aimed high, and with a gleam in my goggles I satiated her question with its rightful answer. “It was for science my dear child! And thusly you have become a part of my next experiment! Where I will test extensively on the outcome of applying six tons metric weight of dark energy upon the retinas of various animals and kindergarteners! Henceforth I will take the results, refine them into small pills that I will then slip into your morning cereal and watch with glee as your face slowly swallows itself whole under the impending doom of gravity!”

My proclamation echoes into oblivion for a long moment, Elenoir simply staring at me with dull eyes and a partially slack jaw. I blink a few times and wonder whether or not I have just scared the young monster to death and her body is still struggling to process the information.  

Unfortunately my theory was proven wrong as she then opens her mouth and responds, “You know I don’t eat breakfast right?” I clench my teeth as my smile immediately vanishes underneath a wave of failure and I punch the air. “God fucking DAMN IT!”

I commenced having a small temper tantrum for a few moments before realizing how stupid I looked and quickly composed myself before my niece and let my arms fall useless to my sides. “Well fuck. Guess I’ll have to go with the cannibal zombie schoolgirls instead.” I sigh and pull a lever out my pocket and flip it.

“Wait what?” Elenoir asks whilst within a bout of her own stupidity. I roll my eyes behind my goggles and step aside to reveal the closet door behind me slowly opening, henceforth allowing the legion of carnivorous cannibal zombie females to come swarming out from inside it’s depths. Elenoir stared at them a moment, then at me, which I obviously took as a question of sorts and I thusly quenched her thirst for knowledge accordingly.

“In case you were wondering, which I know you are by the stupid look of utter incompetence pasted upon that usually smug face of yours, after my last failure I decided to create an army of zombie soldiers. And since I was also trying to figure out what I was going to do with the populace of the local boarding school I had locked in my basement, I decided to turn the males into contemporary flower pots whilst simultaneously debilitating the female populace and converting them into uncontrollable, ravenous monstrosities of what they used to be.”

I glance fondly towards my creations, “The bewildering addition of them all coincidentally being on their monthly cycles only increased their cannibalistic tendencies, making them even more efficient!” I turn back towards my niece. “And now I can just say that you accidentally wandered into my lab as I was conducting experiments and tragically unleashed a swarm of hideous bloodthirsty highschool students.”

To my surprise though, Elenoir no longer stood shocked, as now she stand there with a heinously adorable smirk upon her lips. “Uncontrollable eh?” She chuckles and I nod with a passion. “Of course! The best to tear apart their victims without any preference towards who it is they are slaughtering…. Oh shit.”