Experiment Twelve.

I awoke in a room split by black and white. A glance to the left revealed soft white clouds, golden harps, halos and stairways as a glance to the right revealed pools of lava, blackened spires, horns and highways. I quickly ascertained that I had simply taken a wrong turn in purgatory and have somehow found myself in the room of judgment.

Before I could turn to leave my eyes came upon God descending from the ceiling whilst Lucifer contrasting ascended from the floor. Immediately I rolled my eyes, finding the theatrics incredibly cliché and heavily stapled upon Christian lore.

“My son. I see that your time has come and it is now time for your future in the afterlife to be determined.” God speaks in a bellowing tone, immediately causing me to wince and cover my ears, a spike of anger flaring within my skull. “Hey asshole! Take it down a notch will you? I would prefer my godforsaken senses remain intact so I can properly figure out how to mechanize an escape from this damned place.”

God furrowed his brow in thought, Lucifer slithering up beside me and throwing his arm around my shoulder. “Hell yeah motherfucker! Easy to see this kid’s with me.” He cackles with a gleam in his crimson eyes.

I promptly flick his arm from my shoulders, sighing with annoyance as I then turn my attention towards him. “I am not with you either jackass, touch me again and I will rip your arm off and fist you with it.” His face went slack with surprise. My words obviously stabbing a nerve somewhere inside his rather lacking body.

I turn back to God. “Now is there any way I could somehow get this surprisingly existent soul sent back to its body back on Earth?” My words remove God from his deep thought and he slowly nods. “There is, but are you sure you want to return now that you’ve seen the promised land?” He asks, gesturing towards the cookie cutter hallmark image behind him. I blink then look back at him. “I am doubly sure. Earth would be far more enjoyable to conquer.”

God sighs and responds, “Very well…” and prods my forehead with a powerful force, sending me hurtling backwards until I sit up back in the land of the living, throwing my hands into the air and shouting “Haha I live!” Triumphantly. Unfortunately for me Elenoir had been poking my previously decomposing body with a stick and let out a shrill scream before proceeding to beat me back to death with the stick.

Within minutes I found myself back in the room of judgment where both God and Lucifer were thumb wrestling the other. “And so he returns.” God sighs with an almost bored expression on his face. “I need to go back.” I immediately tell him, Lucifer prancing up and taking his place beside the one supposed ‘lord’.

“Are you sure you want to return now that you’ve seen the promised land?” He asks, gesturing more persistently towards the realm behind him. I look him in the eyes. “Fuck you, send me back.” A flare of annoyance sparks behind his eyes and he briefly glances at Lucifer who aptly replies, “Hey I don’t want him.” Before cracking his knuckles and proceeding to punch my in the face.

I felt my soul fly through time and space, landing in a crumpled heap inside my earthly body. Elenoir already coming at me with a bloody stick. “Wait!” I scream in horror as she began to ready a bone shattering swing.

She hesitates a moment, fear within those green eyes of hers as I drag my broken body heavily to its feet, snatching the branch from her with my only working arm and began limping off, muttering a slur of words beneath my breath as I went to stitch up my wounds and bathe in whiskey.

“I thought you were dead!” Elenoir calls behind me. “I was. Now I’m not.” I shout back yet only silence emanated in the air around me for a long moment. “…Do I still get my inheritance?”