Experiment Twelve.

I awoke in a room split by black and white. A glance to the left revealed soft white clouds, golden harps, halos and stairways as a glance to the right revealed pools of lava, blackened spires, horns and highways. I quickly ascertained that I had simply taken a wrong turn in purgatory and have somehow found myself in the room of judgment.

Before I could turn to leave my eyes came upon God descending from the ceiling whilst Lucifer contrasting ascended from the floor. Immediately I rolled my eyes, finding the theatrics incredibly cliché and heavily stapled upon Christian lore.

“My son. I see that your time has come and it is now time for your future in the afterlife to be determined.” God speaks in a bellowing tone, immediately causing me to wince and cover my ears, a spike of anger flaring within my skull. “Hey asshole! Take it down a notch will you? I would prefer my godforsaken senses remain intact so I can properly figure out how to mechanize an escape from this damned place.”

God furrowed his brow in thought, Lucifer slithering up beside me and throwing his arm around my shoulder. “Hell yeah motherfucker! Easy to see this kid’s with me.” He cackles with a gleam in his crimson eyes.

I promptly flick his arm from my shoulders, sighing with annoyance as I then turn my attention towards him. “I am not with you either jackass, touch me again and I will rip your arm off and fist you with it.” His face went slack with surprise. My words obviously stabbing a nerve somewhere inside his rather lacking body.

I turn back to God. “Now is there any way I could somehow get this surprisingly existent soul sent back to its body back on Earth?” My words remove God from his deep thought and he slowly nods. “There is, but are you sure you want to return now that you’ve seen the promised land?” He asks, gesturing towards the cookie cutter hallmark image behind him. I blink then look back at him. “I am doubly sure. Earth would be far more enjoyable to conquer.”

God sighs and responds, “Very well…” and prods my forehead with a powerful force, sending me hurtling backwards until I sit up back in the land of the living, throwing my hands into the air and shouting “Haha I live!” Triumphantly. Unfortunately for me Elenoir had been poking my previously decomposing body with a stick and let out a shrill scream before proceeding to beat me back to death with the stick.

Within minutes I found myself back in the room of judgment where both God and Lucifer were thumb wrestling the other. “And so he returns.” God sighs with an almost bored expression on his face. “I need to go back.” I immediately tell him, Lucifer prancing up and taking his place beside the one supposed ‘lord’.

“Are you sure you want to return now that you’ve seen the promised land?” He asks, gesturing more persistently towards the realm behind him. I look him in the eyes. “Fuck you, send me back.” A flare of annoyance sparks behind his eyes and he briefly glances at Lucifer who aptly replies, “Hey I don’t want him.” Before cracking his knuckles and proceeding to punch my in the face.

I felt my soul fly through time and space, landing in a crumpled heap inside my earthly body. Elenoir already coming at me with a bloody stick. “Wait!” I scream in horror as she began to ready a bone shattering swing.

She hesitates a moment, fear within those green eyes of hers as I drag my broken body heavily to its feet, snatching the branch from her with my only working arm and began limping off, muttering a slur of words beneath my breath as I went to stitch up my wounds and bathe in whiskey.

“I thought you were dead!” Elenoir calls behind me. “I was. Now I’m not.” I shout back yet only silence emanated in the air around me for a long moment. “…Do I still get my inheritance?” 

Experiment Eleven.

Now considering my talent for figuring out genius solutions towards bullshit situations, I should have easily tossed aside all fear and faced the problem head on, looking those carnivorous man made monstrosities in the eye and using my quick wit deal with the threat accordingly.

Instead I turned tail and ran screaming in the opposite direction, cowering behind the slender Elenoir in a vain attempt to elude the horrific creatures. Though considering that I was hiding myself behind another potential victim, nay, the appointed victim in this whole fiasco, I only played an even shorter stick than before.

Not to mention cuing Elenoir to sigh and look at me with an exasperated look pasted upon her little face. “Really?” she grumbled and began walking towards the kitchen, leaving me to face the creatures alone. “What are you doing?!?!” I cry out and she waves a nonchalant hand backs towards me, middle finger held high. “All this talk of cannibalism has made me hungry; I’m going to make a sandwich. You have fun now.”

I watched her leave in bewildered shock before glancing back at the encroaching beasties. One snapped her teeth threatening as another let out a feral howl. The hairs on the back of my neck rose within the throes of the blood curdling noise’s crescendo, and I felt the blood drain from my face. Before…

Well… I created the bastards! Ahem, bitches. Henceforth, I shouldn’t become just another notch in the  ‘man made monster kills creator’ statistics. So without further ado, I fell back from the advancing zombie cannibals, twisting on my heel until my peripheral vision was aimed opposite them and I thus proceeded forward at a quick speed to reach my lab.

Another bone twisting howl sounds behind me and I immediately heard the scramble of bodies hastening towards me, their muscles, which should have been succumbing to the first few signs of rigor mortis,  moved fluid and agile, allowing them to quickly catch up to me.

And even as they bit and grabbed at the tail of my lab coat, threatening my very well being,  I couldn’t help but feel proud of what I created, cherishing those brief iotas when they failed to lop a limb off with an almost… fatherly love. I created these amazing accomplishments of vascular science. If I didn’t have to kill them I would have loved to have been like my father and molest them.

Instead I had to show tough love and dive through the doorway leading deep into the realm of science! The howling monsters scattering close behind, I land in a heap at the bottom of the stairs that for the love of god I keep forgetting were there and I had to quickly heave my battered body to its feet and scramble towards my destination.

The incinerflamer! A device that broils whoever is inside in within a wave of flames that reach a higher temperature than that of the majestic sun!... also it has a side effect of causing sexual confusion in the minds of those who miraculously survive the flames. While I hold no grudge against those who find love within those of the same gender, learning about that side effect was incredibly unsettling. I will never look at mashed potatoes the same way again…

Anywho, I proceeded to once more send myself flying through the air as the cannibalistic humanoids lastly closed the incredibly close gap between us, a single ravenous maw taking a chunk out of my shoulder as I hurtle passed it and slam my passing fist upon the ‘ignite’ button. The doors immediately slam shut and the zombies inside are instantly enveloped in a maelstrom of flames that quickly licked away the flesh from their bones before melting the bones away in a sea of ashes.

But as I stood back to my feet and glanced in the window that had been bolted into place to allow accessible sight into the chamber as it was lit, I watched as in their final moments the group of zombified schoolgirls began tearing off each other’s clothes and committing such morbidly arousing acts of grotesquely violent sodomy.

“Genius! I have somehow created a legion of Lesbian Zombie Schoolgirls!” I scream in triumph, immediately whipping a notebook from out of my pocket and scribbling down a swath of unintelligible notes within its dreaded confines. “Isn’t that the name of a porno or something?” Elenoir queries behind me, my head twisting violently around to catch her standing there, gut wrenchingly cute with a sandwich held fast in her tiny grip.

My eyes were tightly trained upon the sandwich in her hand. “Is that… the last of the pastrami?” I whisper quietly and she answers by taking a large bite out of her lunch. “Naturally.” She replies between chews. My eyes widen and I thrust a pointed finger upon her adorable little frame. “I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!” I scream, Elenoir taking a moment to look over me, eyes lingering upon the gaping hole in my shoulder. “Yeah… Sure.” She replies and aptly turns to leave.

“You DARE treat me with Such INDIGNITIES??? Why I Should…” I quickly trailed off as the blood loss finally got the better of me and I crumple unconscious to the floor.

Experiment Ten.

I strode into the room wearing the largest triumphant grin I’ve had in a long time. The occasional giddy giggle escaping from my toothy grin every now and then as I sat myself down next to the uncaring Elenoir, still enraptured by the book that sat eloquently upon her lap. I sat there for a long moment, attempting to gain her attention with the occasional scoot closer or obnoxious clearing of the throat.

This was kept up for a long series of minutes, and after a long hour of absolutely no response from her in any way shape or form, I grew impatient, and with a quick glance at the still ignorant little heathen, I repositioned myself even closer, then aptly kicked for off the couch and onto the floor in a heap.

Only now did she lastly take notice of my empowering yet intimidating presence, her green eyes aflame with an undeserved anger, and she slowly crawled to her feet and brushed herself off, checking tentatively over the book for any apparent damage. “And what was that for?” She queried antagonistically towards me.

I jumped to my feet and thrust my hand into the air, index finger aimed high, and with a gleam in my goggles I satiated her question with its rightful answer. “It was for science my dear child! And thusly you have become a part of my next experiment! Where I will test extensively on the outcome of applying six tons metric weight of dark energy upon the retinas of various animals and kindergarteners! Henceforth I will take the results, refine them into small pills that I will then slip into your morning cereal and watch with glee as your face slowly swallows itself whole under the impending doom of gravity!”

My proclamation echoes into oblivion for a long moment, Elenoir simply staring at me with dull eyes and a partially slack jaw. I blink a few times and wonder whether or not I have just scared the young monster to death and her body is still struggling to process the information.  

Unfortunately my theory was proven wrong as she then opens her mouth and responds, “You know I don’t eat breakfast right?” I clench my teeth as my smile immediately vanishes underneath a wave of failure and I punch the air. “God fucking DAMN IT!”

I commenced having a small temper tantrum for a few moments before realizing how stupid I looked and quickly composed myself before my niece and let my arms fall useless to my sides. “Well fuck. Guess I’ll have to go with the cannibal zombie schoolgirls instead.” I sigh and pull a lever out my pocket and flip it.

“Wait what?” Elenoir asks whilst within a bout of her own stupidity. I roll my eyes behind my goggles and step aside to reveal the closet door behind me slowly opening, henceforth allowing the legion of carnivorous cannibal zombie females to come swarming out from inside it’s depths. Elenoir stared at them a moment, then at me, which I obviously took as a question of sorts and I thusly quenched her thirst for knowledge accordingly.

“In case you were wondering, which I know you are by the stupid look of utter incompetence pasted upon that usually smug face of yours, after my last failure I decided to create an army of zombie soldiers. And since I was also trying to figure out what I was going to do with the populace of the local boarding school I had locked in my basement, I decided to turn the males into contemporary flower pots whilst simultaneously debilitating the female populace and converting them into uncontrollable, ravenous monstrosities of what they used to be.”

I glance fondly towards my creations, “The bewildering addition of them all coincidentally being on their monthly cycles only increased their cannibalistic tendencies, making them even more efficient!” I turn back towards my niece. “And now I can just say that you accidentally wandered into my lab as I was conducting experiments and tragically unleashed a swarm of hideous bloodthirsty highschool students.”

To my surprise though, Elenoir no longer stood shocked, as now she stand there with a heinously adorable smirk upon her lips. “Uncontrollable eh?” She chuckles and I nod with a passion. “Of course! The best to tear apart their victims without any preference towards who it is they are slaughtering…. Oh shit.”