Experiment Nine.

I’m standing with my back before a towering curtain as I swung my arms excitedly towards it with a selfish smile pasted upon my face. Elenoir sitting unbothered upon the worn couch with lazy eyes watching me with a lacking interest as I wrap my gloved fingers around the rope that once tugged would reveal my latest scientific breakthrough.

“Ah, so what is it you’re going to try and bedazzle me with this time?” She asks with a stifled yawn and I giggle lightly at her foolish words, knowing full well her eyes will soon grow wide and lips full of praise once I reveal my latest invention. Especially since this time it was designed with her at heart, so not only will she be filling my ears with fervent praise, but the choking screams of her final breaths as well.

“Well child, right now your mind is void of any excitement towards my newest scientific marvel, but I promise you that within the next few moments you will be drowning within a flood of complimentary remarks aimed for yours truly.” I’m striding to the side of the curtain now.

“Yesterday I was graced with a rather… visceral phone call from your mother, explaining to me that during your stay here I need to make sure that I don’t just sit you in the corner and make you read books all summer.” Elenoir just shrugs. “I don’t really mind, I enjoy reading, especially when it helps me imagine myself elsewhere than in this hellhole.”

I stare at her in silence for a moment until I was sure she was done speaking. “And considering my immense hospitality I eagerly set forth to end that call and rip the phone from out the wall, melting it down into raw material and henceforth having it recycled into a nutcracker.”

I pull the aforementioned nutcracker from out my pocket, allowing the height challenged adolescent to get a good look at the thing before throwing it across the room. “But onto more interesting ventures, I realized that you do indeed need to experience the classic summer festivities. Henceforth! I have spent the last twenty-four hours crafting something you will most definitely enjoy! Behold!”

I twist the rope once around my wrist; pulling it back with an exertive yank and the curtain quickly folded inward, collapsing to the ground in a heap of twisted metal and tapestry. That though went quickly unnoticed as what was revealed was revealed in the most revealing reveal ever to be revealed.

Before us stood a massive metal cylindrical tube filled to the brim with a corrosive green liquid that had a sick smelling steam emanate from its churning surface. A twisted ladder rose above its rim and bent inward in a half slide that was adorned with a razor edge and sharpened corners. Sticking out the side of the tube was a generator that ran on diesel, accentuating that fact was the thick grimy musk that slicked its surface and the black smoke that spouted from the side as the generator cleansed the acid on a routine cycle.

Lastly the whole sight was fixed with an overhanging sign that had the scrawled words ‘acid pit’ crossed out and replaced with ‘pool’. I stood there with an expectant and proud look as I let Elenoir take a moment to absorb the sight and thus begin the groveling, yet somehow the stupid worm child saw through my sneaky ploy and sighed with a shake of her head.

“Seriously? You think… Seriously?” She looks at me incredulously, those oversized green eyes staring at me with an amazement that bit on the hem of shame. “What you don’t like it?” I query and she just climbs to her feet. “I find it incredibly offensive that you think I’m stupid enough to think that’s an actual pool. For one you will never get me into a fucking swimsuit. And another thing, if you’re trying to kill me at least put some legitimate effort into the ‘trying’ part.”

I stare at her with a twitch of the eye, my fingers crackling as they flexed threateningly as I juggled the option of dropping my schemes and simply drowning her in the acid until her smart mouth was nothing more than a bitter memory. A small smile tugged at the edges of my lips at that thought, and henceforth I realized that not only was I going to have to get much more clever with my attempts, but I was also going to have one hell of a challenge.

Experiment Eight.

Elenoir and I sat silently at the kitchen table, heads tipped towards our dinner plates as we quietly adorned our entrails with the cuisine we had deemed eligible to be allowed safe passage down our throats. Only the occasional clink of silverware or muffled sneeze made a mockery of our silence and it stayed that way well through our meal.

We enjoyed an eloquent three course meal including a delightfully crisp salad adorned with a kaleidoscope of intriguing vegetables including fresh cut tomatoes, celery, radish and peppers. A glorious cool ranch dressing was atop the crisp lettuce with an added bonus of grilled strips of chicken and raisins.

It was followed with a tender slow roasted brisket topped with a decadently sweet brown sauce sided with freshly crushed homemade mashed potatoes bathed in the same brown sauce with a second side consisting of steamed green beans which had been peppered and salted to a gentle perfection.

Lastly we were entertained to a delicious chocolate cake which had been painted with an equally chocolaty frosting that was speckled with a mass amount of ground cookie pieces which accentuated the cake nicely, and the two of us enjoyed the course above all others.

And as we were basking in the quiet of those last few moments of supper before we had to return to whatever the hell we were doing beforehand, Elenoir took a quiet sip from her water glass, taking care to set it down gently. “You’re stupid.”

I’m kicking back my chair and standing to my feet, thrusting a pointing finger in her face with anger pouring out every orifice. “And you are a demon!” I scream at her through ragged lips and she just looks at me with a casual air. “I was only pointing out the obvious.” She replies with a shrug and I feel my finger peel into a fist.

“Well child you are sorely mistaken, I am not the one who is stupid. You are.” I hiss and her eyes widen in shock. “I’M stupid?” She growls and I place my hands triumphantly upon my waist. “Of course you are. Hence why I’m the adult here and you’re the bratty little child.” Before I had even finished my sentence a small pang emanates from my shoulder and I glance over to see a fork sticking out of my shoulder.

As the pain was struggling to register in my brain I look back at Elenoir to see her glaring at me with an anger unlike anything I have ever seen upon the face of a child before, with eating utensils held fast in her tiny fisted paws as she readied the aim of her meat knife.

At that moment I realized it would be a brilliant idea to duck and as I did I heard the sick thud of the knife impact upon the wall behind me. “You’re barely five years older than me you idiot!” She shouts and tosses a spoon across the table. “Not my fault I was the result of your grandmother’s mid-life crisis!” I retort as the little maggot child resorted to throwing her dishes.

“If you do not calm down this instant I will fucking stab you!” I shout at her as I rip the fork out from my shoulder with a small spurt of scarlet. “Make me!” She screams angrily and I grip the edge of the table. “You asked for it!” I growl and with all my strength I flip the table with her still on it, or at least that’s what I tried to do, but in reality my puny musculature contrasted with the solid oak table and as I threw all my strength into flipping the table, all I succeeded in doing was popping my shoulders out of their sockets.

My eyes immediately filled with tears and my fingers slipped free from its grasp and I’m thrown back, stumbling backwards into the wall right as Elenoir launched her chair at my face. The last thing I uttered was an exasperated “ah fuck.” before coming face to face with a ‘made in china’ sticker.

Experiment Seven

My lips set in one thin line, I tore a slim slit into the quivering eyeball of the man tied firmly to the workbench within the comfortable confines of my metallic lab. The edges of my lips curled at the screams that echoed out from beneath the choking sobs of the specimen I had held tight within my grasp.

“Shh shh young man, I only request your cooperation for another set of moments.” I whisper and commit the same atrocity upon the man’s other eye. The heart monitor that stood behind me was adding a beat to the tension that I found excruciating annoying and wished the test subject would calm the fuck down just long enough for me to complete my experiment upon him.

I reach out a gloved hand and grasp thin fingers tightly around rim of the syringe I had filled to the brim with a glowing orange substance that would either invoke an eyesight ten times that of a normal human being, or cause his lungs to turn inside out. Either outcome would work for me.

Now I’m slipping the thin needle into the bloody slits I carved into the man’s eyes, pushing the needle deeper and deeper until an audible pop punctuated the merciless screams that emanated from the specimen at an ever increasing volume. 

After injecting an equal amount of the substance into both eyes, I take a small tube from amongst my tools and squeeze out a strange biodegradable adhesive out onto the man’s eyes, which was gently smeared over the wounds and covered with eye patches that I took care to bandage completely around his head.

Stepping back to take a look over my work I smirk before nodding to myself and turning to the timer set on top of the heart monitor. A quick jab of the finger and the countdown had begun. “And now in approximately twelve minutes we shall see if my serum is a success or if it still needs a few more tweaks.”

The man wearily struggles to raise his shackled hands to rub his itching eyes, but fails and miserably slumps back on the table. A laugh and I’m clasping the handle of a nearby lever, “Now let me help you into something more comfortable!” And rip back the lever, which aptly released the man from his chains and tilts the bench forward, henceforth sliding him into a jagged metal chair before returning to its original position.

“Like it? It was one of my first inventions.” I gloat with starry eyes and the man blearily raises his head in my direction. “What evil purpose does something like that even merit?” He queries with a frown and I sigh. “My mother is a very lazy individual.” I respond simply and the man nods. “Oh. Okay.” He says with a hint of judge mentality.

I thrust my face bare inches from his. “That does nothing to belittle my reputation specimen.” I seethe through gritted teeth. My only response was a wince as the man tried to roll his eyes. “Of course.” He responds in disbelief, almost as if he was trying to make me feel better about myself whilst he reserved his original views on me and my affections towards my mother.

My latex draped fingers were clenching around his tender throat as my anger peaked and I was screaming at his face. “You have no right speaking in such a tone towards me peon! I am the thing most nightmares dare to dream to be. My malicious intellect is confined by no boundaries. I hold your life within the palm of my gloved hand, and I can crush it should I so wish it.”

I roughly let go of his neck and stand at my full height, lips ripped open in a horrific smile. “I am the monster who will tear this world asunder beneath the weight of my demonic fleet! The world shalt drown in the blood spilled at the hands of my robotic minions! The earth shall crack! And gods will fall! As I, Doctor Amadeus, bring forth the end of days! Hahahahahaha my hands will craft the very Armageddon you prophesize! Mwahahahaha! And within the world’s final moments, it will see me as the image of God embraced by the Devil. And I will be the last thing they see, before nothing remains.”

My lips peel back in a distorted laughter bordering on the very fringes of sanity, my hands thrust high into the air as my imagination runs wild upon the very concepts I have in store for the world’s demise. “Mwahahahahahahahaha! Mwahahahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHA- oh shit you’re chest’s bleeding…”

Experiment Six.

I sat slumped over the head of my chair, eyes dull as I aimlessly stared into the monitors before me, seamlessly showing me twelve different variations of the same thing. A man who I had recently kidnapped from the local hospital in the hopes of having a better supply of lab rats compared to the folks I was taking off the streets that smelled strongly of urine and liquor.

Instead I was graced with the equivalent of a tea cup Chihuahua, as I watched hopelessly as the man was now halfway through hour sixty three, still debating as to whether or not he should even open the goddamn door that led into the actual test chambers.

I take a small sip of my caramel macchiato before calculating the odds of gleaning any scientific advancement should I just pour a dozen or so mutant chinchillas through the ventilation ducts and let them have at him until all I have left to clean up was his kidneys. Seeing as to how that would make it the seventeenth time I would have done that in the past month I was finding the possibility incredibly slim, so I just stand up from my chair and stretch.

Seeing as to how the outcome of this test was most probably going to be with the test subject starving to death or dying of blood loss once he gnaws his own legs off, I decided it was high time I go and prepare myself a delicious midnight snack. I was thinking of an evil sandwich, with diabolical cheese, sinister salami, malicious mayonnaise and some tomato.

Now as I was making my way from my lab to the kitchen, debating on whether or not I should have Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise (a conundrum I find myself at the center of every time I want a damned sandwich) I notice Elenoir from out the corner of my eye sprawled out upon the dreary couch in the living room whilst reading a rather hefty book.

Against my better judgment I change my path and tiptoe into the confines of the living room, my eyes peeking from behind goggled glasses and glancing at the contents of the book from over her slender shoulder. “What.” She says with an already annoyed tone and I take that as an engraved invitation to round the couch and stand myself before her.

“I was simply curious as to what it is you are reading there.” I point out simply and she just lifts the book up so I could see the cover without even averting her eyes from the pages within. “The plays of Oscar Wilde?” I query and she simply nods. “I didn’t know you were even capable of reading.” I continue and earned a raised eyebrow. “And what made you think that?” She breathes.

“Well when I last saw you I tried reading you The Divine Comedy but you only started crying because there weren’t any pictures.” I reply and she sighs. “Do we need to have this conversation again? I was six. All I cared about were crayons and play-doh. You tried reading me ancient transcripts and gave me a handgun to play with.”

I shrug my shoulders, “Well I thought that was what children enjoyed to play with.” Elenoir turns the page, “No, that was what YOU enjoyed to play with. Or used to anyway, my mom tells me you’ve been more into knives ever since I shot off your nipple.” My eye twitched at that reminder and I shift uneasily in my boots. “Yes, yes, you had quite the aim with firearms…” I reminisce and she just giggles. “Not really, I was aiming for your head.”

I let that sink in for a long moment before painting an overly exaggerated smile upon my face. “Well it was definitely a pleasure talking with you! Now I’m going to take this moment to continue on my way, you enjoy the rest of your book.” She waves me off with an uncaring hand and I’m left scrambling out of the room whilst still trying to look in control of the fear that threatened to make me run into my room and hide under the covers hugging my teddy bear (of science!) to my chest in the fetal position.

Forgetting my sandwich I’m quickly striding back into my lab with shaking limbs as I make my way back to the observation room of the test subject I was obviously observing. Hopefully the fuck will actually do something productive and I can shake myself of the last ten minutes in the name of science and advancement of my twisted and nefarious needs, otherwise its chinchilla time. That always cheers me up.

Experiment Five.

“This is where you shall be staying during your duration here in my lab.” I gesture towards the rather comfy and well confined attic and Elenoir took this moment to plant her tiny fists upon her barely noticeable hips and cast me a look of disbelief. 

“You’re kidding.” She says in an almost expectant tone and I look back and forth between her and the attic entrance. “Well yeah I was expecting a much more adolescent twig child but you could still squeeze through and I promise it’s bigger on the other side.”

I poke my head up into the attic and take a look around. “Oh yeah, you clear out the bats and insulation and you could most definitely stretch out in a comfortable L shape!” I look back down and see the child stalking off with her tiny bag of belongings in tow.

“What you don’t like it? I might have a broom closet in the laundry room you could use! Maybe even a spare drawer in my dresser!” I call after her but she only ignores my rather legitimate claims, I do have a broom closet she could use, has a little mold and a little to severe water damage but if you stick a twin bed mattress in sideways it’d fit perfect!

I stumble after her as I’m fascinated how something so small could move so fast, spinning around the corner of the hallway and catching her striding into my bedroom, henceforth setting off an alarm within my cranial cavities that sent me sprinting after her.

“Oh wait a second there child, that’s my bedroom!” I call but I receive no answer and it wasn’t until after I came skidding into my bedroom that I realized why, for within the small time frame she had been within this room without me she had already kicked open her bag and was now sprawled out upon my bed with earphones blocking out all sound from the outside world in the stead of what sounded like the barest hints of angry death metal.

I eye the tiny pieces of clothing with the acceptance one has for roaches in their favourite cereal and could feel a rising rage peaking in the back of my eyes. I stride up to the child and aptly grab each end of her earphones, pull them away from her head, then let go in which they then collided back upon her ears with a delightful thwack.

The little snot bucket let out a high pitched scream that caused the eardrums residing in my skull to protest the sound with anger. Causing me to twitch in a very unwanted discomfort as she then casts me a glare that could have set me on fire had rage possessed the ability to make flesh spontaneously burst into flame, which would have been extremely useful during my more tumultuous youth.

“Why the fuck did you do that?” She seethes with a coarseness I would normally marvel at, should it not have come from the spawn of my sister, which in many cases I wouldn’t be surprised, but considering the intense hatred this child has adopted for me, I’m pretty sure she’d tell mother that I taught her, and she would have been correct had she given me the time to get to that recreational activity, but for now it was little more than a lie.

“Why you ask? Silly child, for if you hadn’t already noticed from my constant cries, or the nameplate engraved in ivory upon the door, but this is my room and you should definitely take it upon yourself to be more polite when making a mockery of their private chambers.” I think I made my argument quite nicely, but to my dismay Elenoir simply twirled her finger, rolling her eyes and replying, “And I should care why?”

I imagined throttling her on the spot until she lost consciousness, then mailing her to Borneo, no one would ever have to know and I could just say she never arrived. Instead I sat down next to the monster, gently putting an arm around her and letting out a small sigh before casting her a caring glance.

Then I kicked her off the bed. “I am a respected doctor in the field of pure evil! I will not be treated so poorly by the likes of you! I went to college goddammit!” I shout and Elenoir slowly gets to her feet. “You know how much I give a damn?” She growls and I raise an eyebrow. “Hopefully a lot should you have at least a tiny smidgeon of respect somewhere within the rotten entrails that make up your innards.” I reply and she just smirks before pulling back her fist and then punching me directly in the scrotum.

Experiment Four.

The second I heard that knock on the door I felt my entire body go numb in fear, which was probably not the best thing because from out my fingers slipped a test tube filled to the brim with a lightish pink liquid that thusly spilled all over the ground, seeping into the hardwood floor and reanimating it into a bestial treeant which aptly ripped itself free from the floor, punched me in the eye with what I suspect was a more insipid tree limb, and jumped out the window and out of sight.

Being used to such things happening on a day to day basis I merely shrugged it off before straightening my lab coat and taking strides towards the front door, my mind screaming for me to just hide in the broom closet and pretend I’m not home, whilst my heart simply reconciled that I just take out from that broom closet the flamethrower I had the tendency to use on girl scouts and Mormons.

Instead I took a long breath and swept open the door to reveal a six year old girl with thin lips and glasses that took up a majority of her face. Her curly blonde hair swept back in a notoriously pink ponytail and muddy green eyes staring up at me with a heavy offset of sarcastic wit that I could already tell was going to highly irritate me.

But what caught my attention most of all was not the obvious quantity of adorable cuteness that adorned this child as it would any other pre teenage snot bag, but the bright yellow cutoff tee she wore with the insidious insignia of none other than Devo brandished upon its chest.

I felt bile rise in the back of my throat and it was all that I could do but to slightly avert my gaze so not to have that horrific debauchery of music held within my line of sight. So I rip my gaze away from the child and instead place it firmly upon the birdbath that sat in the neighbor’s lawn across the street.

“Good day to you young Elenoir! Surprised to see you on such a decrepit Saturday. Though I must admit, you look very mature for someone of six years.” I compliment her greatly yet she only seems to cast me a blank stare. “That’s because the last time you saw me I was six.” She responds with a voice just starting to adopt more adult tones than the squeaky ones of a child.

“Ah yes, indeed you are correct, I haven’t seen you for… how long… a year?” Elenoir just sighs. “Nope.” I think a moment. “Two years?” She shakes her head. “Three years?” she says nothing. “Four years?” She yawns. “Five years?” I plead and she glares at me, “Try six.” She seethes and I slap my head. “Oh of course! That was my next guess.”

The now revealed to actually be a twelve year old instead of a six year old rolls her eyes, “Can I come in now? I’m hungry, tired, and I want to see just how much a failure you are before I completely ignore you for the next two months.”

I’m watching a bluebird slowly bathe itself across the street before realizing that I was being talked to. “Are you retarded or something? Did grandma drop you when you were a baby?” I’m casting a stare down at the child, a hint of irritation coursing through my veins. 

“Your grandmother dropped me on a multitude of occasions, sometimes just for the fuck of it. And I can promise you that such incidents have no adverse effects on babies, I know, I tested the theory. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a moment to go deal with the mutant tree monster now tearing apart my neighbor across the street.”

Experiment Three.

My lab was a kaleidoscope of multicolored lights and smoke signals. A closer inspection revealing my stick thin figure scrambling to and fro amongst the confines of my countless metal machines, built like a maze side by side with just bare enough room for me to slither my way through from one (failed) experiment to the next.

I was currently trying to multitask a handful of activities that were starting to spontaneously catch fire when the landline phone began to ring somewhere in the depths of my lab. My ears perking up at the sound and I’m leaving my experimental nose trimmer to continue tearing out large chunks of grey matter from out the now unwilling test subject’s nasal cavities as I wander around on a haphazard path towards the phone.

As the ringing becomes louder, I’m becoming more and more sure that I was actually going in the correct direction which was surprising considering my rather horrendous sense of direction. As it’s always been since I ripped out my internal compass to use in an experiment that actually succeeded in augmenting the migration patterns of penguins.

I’m twisting around a corner and finding the phone standing high upon a pedestal covered in rice crispy entrails and Cheetos. Seeing as during my arduous journey the phone had been ringing for more than twenty minutes I made it a priority to throw myself across the small clearing towards the phone and landing mere inches shy from it, quickly pouncing to my feet, pretending nothing had happened and casually flipped the phone up and to my ear.

“Amadeus’ funeral home, you stab ‘em, we slab ‘em.” A slight chuckle emanated from myself at that rather witty introduction which soon committed suicide in my throat as I then heard who it was on the other line.

“Hello son, I see you’re still basking in the childish roots of your adolescent fantasies.” Her voice rang hollow from across the line and I couldn’t help but feel my heart grab a pair of scissors and cut itself free in a desperate attempt to flee. “Mother, how nice to hear from you! How have things been?” I reply in an unbelievably gleeful tone.

A sigh emanates from the receiver, “Well considering I’m only just starting to walk again after being so viciously assaulted by those hybrid gerbil cozies a few months back I must say every day’s been a miracle.” Her words held an undertone of anger that made it inherently obvious that she had not gotten over the accidental happening and was probably still manifesting a plot of vengeance to get back at me in some twisted fucked up way.

“So why the ring?” I ask with a plastered smile and I could almost hear her face split open in a sick self-serving smile all her own. “Why thank you for reminding me, as you probably know it’s about a week until the local school’s close for the summer.” She begins with a falsetto tone and I’m slowly putting two and two together into some kind of mega two of pain and wallowing torment.

“And well, me and your sister have decided it’d be wonderful if you could take care of Elenoir for the summer.” My jaw drops to the floor with a clang and I’m sputtering for an excuse that could possibly cleanse me of the disastrous situation my mother was putting me in.

“I can’t possibly do that mother! I’m… I’m still trying to grow up myself! I’d be a horrible influence I promise you, I still eat pizza for breakfast!” My ramblings go on unheeded and my mother just chuckles. 

“Elenoir is actually quite the young lady. She’s wanted to see you ever since you ran away from home with her college funds. The least you can do is be the proper Uncle and be there for her.”

I’m furrowing my brow in contempt of the persistence this woman has. “You do know that I’ve been trying to estrange myself from the family ever since you gave this exact speech to your brother and his translation of being the proper Uncle included sexually abusing me with a car battery.”

A dry laugh punctuates her silence, “Well he’s always been a tad eccentric, but I’m pretty sure should you try anything on that level with Elenoir she’d break you, so try and just be a proper Uncle with better morals than you’re Uncle Gacy. I’m so glad you could do this; she’ll be there the day after school lets out. Kisses.”

I’m left standing there with the phone beeping to be hung up, my mind a mental flurry of anger, beef burritos, and the random thought of changing my number. Instead I slam the phone down and stomp away, trying to figure out how I’m supposed to prepare for the arrival of a niece I’d much rather sink in acid than take care of for an entire summer.

Experiment Two.

I slit his throat in three deft strokes, henceforth removing his cleanly shaven head from his body. As blood spurted from the veins sticking out of his open neck, I reached out a gloved hand and pick his head up from off the ground, looking into the face still etched with surprise.

“A fine specimen.” I gloat proudly before tossing it into the wheelbarrow with the others. I turn towards my assistant who held a moist towelette out for my retrieval. As I’m wiping clean my favored gloves, I kick the decapitated body into the open grave, wittily disguised as a flower bed with the clever use of a tablecloth, and smile with satisfaction.

“Well now we only need to acquire another dozen or so craniums and we should have enough to start the next stage of research.” I inform my assistant, who merely nods his head. “And what would the research be for my master?” He asks with a subtle tone of intrigue. I reply with a sweep of my hands, whipping out a scribbled blueprint from out my lab coat.

“Contemporary flower pots of course!” I squeal and point it out eagerly upon the paper. My assistant merely raises an eyebrow. “A… flower pot?” He repeats incredulously and I nod ecstatically. “Amazing idea no?” I giggle and he lets out a long breath.

“But why human heads?” He asks and I throw my hands up in the air. “A hook of course! Everybody with a brain knows that the basic flowerpot is made out of COMMON material, i.e. plastic, clay or metal. I want to up the ante with something much more acceptable to modern society!” I point out key points of my blueprint. “Not only does the hollowed out skull contain soil and water easily, but the overall design will allow people to familiarize themselves with the flower pot on a more emotional level.”

I lift a head up from out of the wheelbarrow, “Who wouldn’t want to see their Aunt Bernadette whenever they watered their daffodils?” I look at the emancipated head and notice it’s tongue lolling out as blood dripped from its lips. A grunt of disgust and I plop it back down onto the pile. “Besides, they’re biodegradable, which is a plus when pleasing the tree huggers.”

For some odd reason my exemplary motion to educate my assistant to just how revolutionary this plan was it actually did little to impress him. As I found my only reward to be a stifled yawn. “I find the entire notion to be completely absurd. Whatever happened to your tea cozy experiment?” He queries and my mind flashes back to my experiment to genetically infuse my mother’s tea cozies with gerbil dna and it only resulted in disaster when I realized that they were in heat.

I unconsciously cover my buttocks and simply shrug in response. “Miscalculations were made and certain laws were passed to protect a new species of uber gerbil. Unfortunately not a success but it did glean an amazing amount of research into genetic splicing.” My assistant looks at me. “And what did you learn from it?” He asks. “Well for one I learned never to endow tea cozies with the proper equipment to make successful penetration which won’t happen again I can tell you.”

My assistant just sighs, “And what’s telling you that these cranial flower pots aren’t going to fail as well?” I could feel my respect for him plummet. “You have never been a scientist have you?” I ask with squinted eyes. “Seeing as I’m in the employ of you I can aptly respond no.” He answers and my eye twitches.

“Okay then! Moving on, who do you think would be the next volunteer to give his head to science?” I ask and he looks around. “Hmm… let me see…” As soon as his back was turned I take the hedge clippers from out the wheelbarrow and aptly lop the man’s head off.

Watching it bounce upon the ground whilst his body just fell over, I toss the clippers over my shoulder, leaning over and picking up the head and facing him towards me. “Well now look what’s befallen you.” I say before sticking my hand into his neck wound. “Aye,” I respond in a mock voice while prodding muscles to make his mouth move. “I seem to have lost my head.”

I sigh, “Well it happens a lot in this kind of business, you might not have noticed, but I’m a tad loopy myself.” The head sighs, “Well if it makes you feel better, I think you’re an amazing scientist, and I’m sure you’re flower pot idea will triumph magnificently.”

I blush, “Aw you’re too kind sir.” He looks at me, an eye slightly lolling. “No no, you’re too kind Amadeus.” He insists and I smile. “Well thank you.” I reply and kick his head into the wheelbarrow. “Okay gents and gentlewomen; keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times!” I laugh as I take the handles of the wheelbarrow and start on my merry way.

Experiment One.

The sweat that beaded down my brow emphasized just how excruciatingly perfect the next few seconds had to be. My eyes set like concrete behind goggled spectacles that would most probably protect my retinas from melting should my experiment backfire and remove every ounce of flesh from my brittle bones.

My eyes widened as I set the specimen within the confines of the apparatus. Jolts of electricity spiraling through large generators with enough static energy to cause the hairs on the back of my neck to raise upright. 

I slammed shut the metal door with a loud metallic clang that mutated to a slurp as pressure inside the machine increased tenfold.

A row of flipped switches and twisted knobs and the inside of the machine burst into flames that circled the specimen with a flurry of roars and embers, instantly crisping it evenly, inside and out. I’m wrapping a rubber gloved hand tightly around the handle of a large switch circled with a large menagerie of red stickers that proclaimed ‘DO NOT TOUCH’ in white letters.

My lips peeled back in a maniacal smile punctuated by white gritted teeth that seemed to glow within the blue light cast off by large bolts of lightning that spieled through monstrous conductors that spiraled around the room amongst the wiring and machinery.

A loud bell tore through the air with an explosive crescendo that could have made the blood explode from out my ears had they not have done so last experiment. 

A laugh tore through my throat with a passion one would only find in mentally unbalanced neighbors at two in the morning on a Monday. My eyes aglow with an expectation that made the next few moments move by at a snail’s pace.

I slammed down upon the switch and watched as the air within the machine got violently sucked out through large tubes that then routed the roaring flames into an orphanage a few towns away, replacing the lack of air within the apparatus with recycled air that’s kept refrigerated along with a multitude of test subjects and bagels from my freezer.

I skip across my laboratory like a petty little schoolgirl, thrusting out my hands and throwing myself into an enormous red button than released the hatch to the inside of the machine within a large cloud of steam and other foreign substances that could most probably contain a strain of a mutated flu virus that has a history of spontaneous decapitation and or explosive swelling of the genitalia.

My attention was focused elsewhere, as the billowy clouds dispersed to reveal the specimen propped up upon it’s pedestal within the machine. 

A tentative hand is reached out and I’m feeling six months of sleepless nights and four grand worth of redbull warm the palm of my hand as I gently held it an inch from my nose, it’s intoxicating smell drifting by upon a wave of irresistibility.

“It’s…. perfect.” I lift up my goggles and wipe the lens before thrusting my arm triumphantly into the air. “Viola! I, Doctor Amadeus have constructed a device that heats perishable foods up with microscopic waves of concentrated energy! Behold! The perfect Hot Pocket!”

With a flourish I delve my teeth deep into the crust and immediately feel a burning spurt of an inner filling that I immediately spat out upon the floor in disgust. I look down at the half chewed lump that lay pulsing upon the floor, a green froth foaming as it helplessly squeals “Mommy!” in a light wispy moan.

“Now how the bloody fuck did I just do that?” I ask myself before punching a blue button to my left. “Note to self, contents of hot pockets somehow become reanimated after being heated in apparatus. Must look into either the ingredients on the back of the box, or into the radioactive thermal energy I use to power machine…”

I glance over at the mutated hot pocket from hell in my hand and see a small meaty hand gently tugging at my lab coat. I toss the abomination across the room and squirm at the mere memory that I had put that thing in my damned mouth…