Experiment Fourteen.

My lab was deathly quiet except for the strangled sounds of deep concentration. Zooming in upon the cause of the unearthly noise, it would reveal me, hard at work with my chemistry set, Elenoir sitting silently behind me, a look of pure concern upon her face as it was cast down towards her lap. My steady fingers were twisting caps and stirring vials, heating beakers and tapping buttons.

I remained deeply entrenched within these actions for a long while. Seconds stretching into painstaking minutes with Elenoir still silent yet somehow obnoxiously apparent behind me. Sweat beading down my brow as my eyes finally scrolled down the page of test results spewed from the bowels of a machine far too large to simply print such a small amount of paper. And you’d be correct; it’s oversized because it also produces a rather delectable mocha latte. But only on the third Friday of every fifth week and only if that day is an even number on an odd numbered month.

A small scowl slips across thin lips. My eyes growing dark and I took a breath and swung around. “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news. You’re pregnant.” The last three words barely left my mouth before Elenoir’s eyes swelled up with tears. “I can’t be pregnant… I just can’t.” She sobs gently and I bow my head, carefully walking up beside her, then slapping her on the back with a toothy smile.

“Nope, you are totally prego! Congrats on conceiving another pathetic human worm baby, I hope it grows up, gets a job, then spends its earnings on powerful weapons in which to eviscerate the human race with!” I glance down and see Elenoir shaking incessantly before me. “Umm… Elenoir?” I query nervously, afraid I had broken her and place a comforting hand upon her shoulder.

“I’m… sure it’ll be… fine… and stuff…” the words came alien out of my mouth, leaving a horridly sour taste in its wake, causing me to have to struggle just to not gag. Suddenly my attention was brought back to Elenoir, who for some strange reason, had begun to start growling something I quite couldn’t hear.

“Pardon?” I asked carefully and suddenly I was on the floor, two tiny hands gripping my face, Elenoir’s thumbs placed firmly upon the eyes of my goggles, pushing in and I could hear the glass strain beneath its force.

“Fix me!” She screams, pressing harder. “Remove this thing from inside me or I will shove your eyes out the back of your skull!” Her voice dripped with an uncensored venom, melting deep into the darkest chasms of my mind. “But I can’t! That practice is taboo! TABOO!” I scream back at her, my voice a lot shriller than it should have been.

Her thumbs pressed harder and I watch as an audible crack sends a long line splitting down the middle of my right lens, promising the application of any more pressure to result in incredibly mortal predicament. Quickly I was changing my words, to please her and answer her wishes. “Okay okay okay I’ll get it out of you. Whatever it takes just don’t kill me I haven’t seen The Dark Night Rises yet.”

Slowly I felt the pressure lift from my goggles, ensuring that she was indeed removing them from their previously positions and sparing me from unbearable pain and agony. I take a few deep breaths before lastly breathing out the disclaimer.

“I can make no promises though.” I gasp and before I knew it Elenoir stabbed her thumbs back into my goggles, shattering the glass and sending the shards straight into my eye sockets. Like a thousand needles being simultaneously shoved into my retinas, it was all I could do but scream.

Experiment Thirteen.

After a few days of deep thought and research, experimentation, and unquantifiable amounts of tacos, I lastly figured out how to dispose of the niece I never wanted. My final trial run proceeded as smoothly as the previous had, with the specimen reacting exactly as it should when affected by the serum I amusingly enough called ‘Formula 69’.

The plan shall go as follows, using a special gas pellet I crafted myself, I shall shoot Elenoir in the face, therefore unleashing countless weeks of pent up aggression as well as inflicting what I call, euphoria over the little heathen. Henceforth, if everything goes as well as the experiments have, she will aptly fall into lust with the first thing she sees, which with careful planning shall be nothing else than a gecko that I had personally fused with a fifteen megaton bomb.

As soon as she falls head of heels for the beastie, I will set it loose from the house and watch the resulting fireworks as Elenoir tries to hug the thing as the bombs timer hits zero. I can therefore claim no responsibility for her unfortunate demise, instead allowing me to place the blame on spontaneous reptilian combustion.

The plan was genius. I was a genius. I felt almost giddy with excitement as I gathered the gas pellets, paintball gun, and sickly looking lizard before making my way up the stairs that led out of my lab. Peeking my head out into the hallway to make sure Elenoir wasn’t anywhere within the immediate facility before tip toeing out from the darkness and placing the lizard on the floor.

“Stay… Stay.” I whisper to the reptile, the creature making no acknowledgement of my demand beyond that of licking his left eye occasionally, which I took as an assurance that it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I therefore load a single pellet into the paintball gun, toggling the pressure gauge with a flip of my finger and hearing that immediate slurp of air as it’s released from its confined cage.

It was now time to go child hunting.

Quickly taking a series of careful steps I placed myself tenderly around the corner of the living room archway, out of sight of the silent Elenoir that naturally as ever sat comfortably upon the couch with occult book in hand. I slid the muzzle of the gun around the corner, peeking a single goggled eye to take careful aim. Then take the shot.

A small spurt of air sends the pellet soaring through the air, a blur of pink speeding directly at the tiny Elenoir, my eyes widening as I prepare to rush back and grab my gecko bomb, when my supposedly perfect shot slipped by Elenoir’s cheek by a mere inch, catching her attention, but instead shattering the glass sculpture of Orson Wells that sat on the shelf behind her.

Her eyes immediately tore a hole through me, as I stood half posed to run, gun in hand. She put two and two together as fast as a supercomputer, and within an instant she was on her feet, fists raised, and charging at me. “You bastard!” She screamed in an almost inhuman rage.

I staggered for a moment before taking off down the hall, struggling to figure out how my perfect aim had betrayed me at such a critical time, mind you it was the first time I ever fired a gun in real life, but countless years of Halo had made me so certain I had an aim that could fend off armies! I struggled to reload another pellet into the gun whilst simultaneously trying to outrun the demon I unintentionally unleashed in the other room.

Considering my hand/eye coordination was incredible, my ability to run while reloading was contrastingly lacking, and to my horror I found a wall jump in front of me to impede my progress before its undeniable stopping power. The gun went into my stomach, knocking the air from my lungs, followed by the rest of my body, crushing the pocketful of gas pellets held within my front pocket and filling the room with a pink haze of gas.

A soon as my ass hit the ground I breathed in two lungs full of the substance as I unconsciously inhaled. My mind instantly going sporadic as Elenoir then entered my vision, unknowingly breathing in the substance herself. It was at this moment that her angry eyes turned towards me, and I noticed them soften. My mind froze as a single thought ran through it like a silver sword. Oh fuck.

The next I knew I was sitting up in a panic, glancing all around me while an incoherent stream of half formed words spilled from my mouth, but it all came back to one overwhelming question. “Where the fuck are my goggles!” I scream frantically.

“I think you have more important thing to be worried about.” Elenoir replies quietly next to me and I rapidly glance over to see her tucked beneath the covers that blanketed me as well. It was at this moment that I noticed her bare shoulders, her tangled hair, my shirtless torso, and with a twist of the arm I tore the blanket from atop us to reveal our bodies and their lack of clothes, my partial erection, and the gecko staring blankly up at me.